I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
