i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
