I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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