mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think I just sharted jello shots
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