you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
