Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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