If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just puked most of my soul out..
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