The maid of honor just puked.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
