I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
