honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
