Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
