I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
