the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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