I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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