I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
