Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
