Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
