i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
