i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
