dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
