I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
