Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
