Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
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