I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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