Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
