Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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