I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize