i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
