you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I party with great urgency now.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
