listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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