I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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