there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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