I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
