Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
