all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Of course I have a pirate flag
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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