My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
