I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
