if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize