I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Semen is not good for contacts.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize