im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
