yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize