I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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