yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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