have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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