If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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