batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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