I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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