Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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