Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
