i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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