I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
