the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
