I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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