did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
