Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
